i can think of no thing less appealing than a dry apocalypse.

what i seek is a greater fortune: vengeance.

attention deficit disorder is not a reality, but a symptom of the reality we have constructed. technology is defined largely by the unnatural; whether heavy machinery (which now seems organically analagous to the flexing muscles of a buffalo's flanks) or more complex components of the burgeoning digital age.

it only makes sense that our bodies, though almost biomechanical in that our bodies need minerals and metals to conduct the sparks of electricity our brains send to keep our hearts beating, require some type of catalyst to perform on a level compatible with the onslaught of gadgets and "innovations" we have created to make our lives convenient.

we have destroyed familiarity.

we have condemned change with our every breath and ensured nothing too old will ever be around to remind us. we need a catalyst to make us forget.

to forget that we are not in our element anymore. that we have abandoned humanness, and tried desperately to destroy every trace of the instincts and learned responses that got us through evolution. we need a catalyst to distract us from the fact that every morning we wake up sensing that something is amiss, only to dispell it as another mental feat of myth and invention brought on by sleep. we dismiss dreams as mere stories. we forget our bodies already know.

and so we take speed to keep up with the joneses, the jetsons, and mother fucking harry and the hendersons.

i will never know what happened. if only because your creativity is not one of the natural world. it is not music, nor is it art, and yet the weight with which you speak of it is crushing. there will never be a pill for you, computer mouth.

i will live my life as i have always wanted. it will be unfulfilling. i will remember the sun on my cheeks.

the red ghost of a suffocating sun.

i like chewing gum that loses its flavor quickly. i don't need to be entertained; simply to have something other than my tongue to think on.

for years this city hasn't worked for me. i thought if i gave us some time apart, a moment to breathe, that i could come back and we could have a fresh start. for a brief time, she cradled the life i had dreamed of in her temporarily sun-drenched palms. i caught a glimpse of what i thought was the way it was supposed to be.

she reminded me that they never forget, not in the end. familiarity is conducive to a sense of ownership and entitlement. little did i know i had long ago soured whatever relationship we might have had, and that she could never forgive me. here i thought she had no idea.

i know, i have to go away. oh cat, it's hard, but it's harder to ignore it, isn't it?

everywhere i look i see dead ends and only the foreign light of a shrouded sun will show me what lies at the end of my tunnel.

eyes open wide i see stranger things lacking sight,
blurred sudden strangers and ghosts, the dark shakes me deep with fright.

i refuse to pander to a grown woman with the emotional capacity and reasoning ability of a twelve year old.

i quit my job today and learned that what makes us adult is fear.

i'm all grown up. the sunshine on my cheeks.

the fairest of the seasons

now that it's time.



i remember a time before i remember time. i remember when there was a question. i remember when i was the answer. i remember never wanting to ask again. i remember so many memories and see i am merely a conglomerate of so many missed moments.